Thank you for the reminder to step away.  Thank you for the reminder to breathe.  And thank you for the reminder to bring curiosity to the forefront so that I could stay deep in the conversation as I was buffeted about with old stories, ancient beliefs.

With your penetrating and unwavering gaze you dropped me into a level of self-hatred that had gone so far underground I no longer knew any part of me was still drinking from that poisoned well. Caught in your gaze, feeling my own inadequacies in an effort to place you in the cosmos amidst luminous light beings and to grow a garden all around you the well of self-hatred became a surging fountain.  I wanted to destroy you, to destroy me, to destroy that in me that cannot hold the magnificence and fierceness of you right alongside the pain of emerging out of this chrysalis state.  With guidance, I dropped into the red thread of my heart connecting me.  i painted my way over the precipice hearing the calls of every woman reminding me to breather, take a step back, ask your questions and be willing to sit long enough in the silence between words to hear your soul’s call, to hear the whispering of your muse as counter point to any belief that who you are and what you do doesn’t matter.

As I stared back at you, I felt something break free in me and it was as loud as the Bosphorus, frozen all winter, breaking free of its frozen state.  A feather floated to the surface and I saw myself reflected – still trying to be someone else, still thinking that being anybody other than me was the better idea.  memory after memory floated to the surface of all the times I had attempted to disappear myself only to see how bright and resilient and fierce and elemental the me I recognize as me is – undaunted by any and every attempt to be annihilated.  And this image in front of me shouts that out loudly to me and asks – will you refuse this?  Will you refuse me who walks in gardens, flowers blossoming with every step I take even as I live in the heavens amidst luminous light beings?

I am heaven in earth

I am the transparent wings of every angel that soared the sky

I am the birth of every new star

I am unwavering

I am fiercely love

I will emerge

I will be seen in your image, through your hands.

I will be born out of your heart.

Luminous light beings.  Strands of my heart that stream out into the universe vulnerable to hatred, vulnerable to ridicule and disdain.  I would protect you at all costs.  I would obscure you so no war comes to you, make you invisible to derision, hide you in the deepest recesses of my heart so you are not harmed.  And today I know that in doing so I am hiding myself from the tender strands of angelic magic moving out into the world, kissing moments with kindness, moving with care the invisible into the visible… I am undone in the best possible way through the image of you and the deepest love springs forth.