Finding a Path

Shattered and scattered

All the pieces flutter in my cupped hands

I blow on them softly and they drift to the ground

Forming shapes and paths

A mosaic

I step onto this magic road

It is mine

Learning to Live My Life: Personal notes from a part of my journey

Walking I find myself standing in the very center of nowhere yet I do not feel lost, only at a loss with nothing familiar to orient me, no name to call me, no job to organize me, only love to guide me and even that feels like a distant call sometimes.  

Overwhelmed at the immensity of being – how could I be so huge and yet so very small?

How could I be all the spaces in between things and yet feel so solid?

How could I be so scared of dying, knowing that it is simply a falling back into love?

Maybe there is too much I don’t know quite yet, maybe the detritus in my mind that keeps me tethered to a form, a thought process, an obligation is part of the loosening of my soul from its cage – the doors are wide open, the windows let the winds in and nowhere am I caught except in the past and my willful imposition into the future.

I stand inside myself and this rage grows in me towards all that is false within me, all that I was trying to do in my life that felt simply false.  I didn’t know what was going to erupt out of me as I began moving, pounding a rhythm out on the surface of the canvas in front of me but something was growing in me, something that needed to move, to express and ultimately break through into the light.  A piece of wood flew off the back of the canvas I was using as a drum and I picked it up and began to use it as my instrument with the canvas as my drum surface.  I flew, I spun, I went wild, I broke through the surface of the smaller canvas and threw it down onto the floor as pieces of wood fell and the swirling lava of deep discord rose ever further.  I burned in front of my huge canvas and began pounding on it, breaking through into the light again and again and again until finally the fire simmered and I stood, released into the light and a knowing that I could no longer tolerate notes of falseness in my being – the discord and throwing out of anything unlike the resonate truth was extraordinary.  I dismantled my studio, took all the paintings outside, swept the floor, reset the house without my studio as the central focus and experienced an emptying out that would continue for days to come, but at that juncture I only knew that notes of falseness were no longer tolerated in my system.  

Becoming the hunter rather than the hunted:

Throughout the days I begin to track notes of falseness as if I am hunting for my very survival.  Insecurity rings the loudest note of falseness and I begin to hunt.  Insecurity has been like a second coat to me, wrapped around not belonging and feeling unwanted.  It was, and continues to be, quite extraordinary to track these false note bubbles – they rise and pop, spreading the poison of false truth – the seeds of insecurity grounded in a reality of not being wanted, of not belonging, of being invisible, dispensable, creating a very small world in which I am powerless and impotent to even affect my own life.  I stalk the bubbles and move with the fear.  The bubbles pop and I shake with the falseness of what my life has been built on.  Shock shakes me up, turns me upside down and the emptying continues.

I am turned upside down, inside out and the truth of separating out belonging and being welcomed takes up residence in my system in ways that rock everything – not only do I understand the difference, I feel in my bones my belonging separate from my being welcomed…an earthquake in my inner world.  As the inner tectonic plates move, I begin to understand the relationship between the vertical and the horizontal with heart at the very center of it all.  There are no words. This rocks my world, defines my understanding of being and continues to put love at the very center of everything!!!!

The vertical rocks my world.

The horizontal is where my love reaches into all ports and resting places

And today…I continue to clarify.

Clarity. In love. Beauty baths. I am walking into my life and with each step feel more and more unfettered, extraordinary and dismantled.

I had a dream a few nights ago – I was in a big open field a little bit away from what was unfolding – I was witnessing me as a small girl being put into a straightjacket by my mom, being loaded into a station wagon and then driven away.  No words were exchanged – just potent longing radiating out of her eyes as she looked back at me.

When I open my eyes it is still dark ourside, the straightjacket is off.  My limbs feel disorganized and limp. I have spent the last few days hunting.  I hunted and discharged  not belonging, being unwanted, and being wrong but in that – I am unmoored in a significant way.  

It is a new world.  A new world beckons and I stand on the precipice unwinding, swirling pieces of fragmented selves fly off of my spinning spirit as I shake, rattle and roll in discovery and in wonder at the buried treasures that are held captive in unseen, invisible, unshakable beliefs – my hand draws a circle around me and I step into it, descend into myself, seeking the shadows that hide my power from me, the beliefs that interrupt my sleep and wake me with insanity clutching at my head until I begin to run as fast as I can to get away.  Today, I stop running. Today I stop, breathe, turn and once again become the hunter of hidden terrors rather than the hunted, rather than the surprised, rather than the beggar.  Today I hunt.

It is a new world.  I walk into the light filled, sun streaming space between winter branches and begin to know myself inside the horrors that fear create – willing to see, willing to embrace, willing to harvest the seeds of brilliance and gnosis that lie dormant in the winter fallen leaves of past times, buried treasures, received bindings, a straightjacket, a rape, a violent home life creating a running fever in my own soul calling to the heavens for release, for flight, for resting in the arms of the vast forming and creating magic of the universe. There is more to know my soul cries out to me than the unknowing unbinding unfettering dissolving dismantling fever of change.  There is new ground to walk on, new worlds to explore.

I wake to the mystery of fog shrouded tree limbs and invisible grey ground – saddened, so sad, sadly awake to the inner integrity of being me and the gracegrief  acceptance of that. My heart breaks open at the doors that close, the backs that turn when living without false notes .  My heart breaks open at the doors that open, the faces that turn towards me as I learn to live without false notes.