I have to begin somewhere, somehow to break the trance of a lifetime of longing and arrive. Here. Where I am in the present moment.
January 1, 2023 I stepped out of a love I had held as faithfully as anything I have ever done. I crossed a threshold, and with each step I felt the dissolution of much I had held dear dissolve in a mist that seemed to rise out of the earth.
Stepping out and stepping in
Stepping into the beginning of a life that has its start in an ending.
Stepping out of Cassielle Bull and into Cassielle Brandyfoot.
Of the earth and for the earth
Of the stars and with the stars
Of the oceans and the forests
Of the rivers and mountains
Of hands holding hands
Of bodies moving
Of a moving response to the grace and grief of living in love
A bit of advice
When someone says to you, ‘let me die’
It is better to do that than cling
When someone leaves and then leaves again and then leaves again
It is best to close the door and not keep it open in the hope of return
When someone says lets just stop weaving, believe them, and stop
Don’t continue to try and weave, that is a path of suffering
Let go let go let go let go!
There are a million people out there waiting to meet you
Waiting to love and embrace your beauty and celebrate your aliveness
Step out of your door and let your senses be overwhelmed by the elemental beings
Listen as birdsongs carol your arrival
See the beauty that surrounds you in the details of your life, of the steps you are taking
Know this moment and then the next
Walk slowly into what is waiting for you
In 2019 the element of fire burned though my home and the center of my work. It has taken me this long to find my way into listening to the whispers of my own voice and slowly I emerge. I notice what is important to me, what I always show up for. What brings me joy today as I step deeply into my eldering. My skin is thinner and softer now and somehow I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before and also stronger in my accepting of what is – there is a grace that accompanies learning to live life differently. Sixty-five is very different than any other year I have stepped into and holds more mystery and takes more courage and carries with it a tender understanding of the microscopic breaks and tears that accompany living everyday.
And so, tomorrow I will land on an island in the middle of the sea where I will be spending a month exploring the inner terrain of my being through writing, painting, walking, listening, moving. I will celebrate my 65thbirthday there. With courage and with faith, I walk forward.
